9:19pm; thursday june 13th, 2019

note: warning for mentions of suicide

so i had my last day of highschool today, which seems fitting time as any to actually use this site i guess. if i even keep it up.
it hasnt totally sunk in yet that im never going back to that school again but i feel a little different. like all day ive just felt kinda off after my last exam. i unno. its weird. i dont think i thought i'd live this long.

i think im definitely going to miss the people i knew there. like granted i have 2 people's contacts but like, i know a lot of those people im never gonna see again, and two of them i've known since like...i was fucking eight years old bro, and theyre just gone just like that. i dont think i even got to properly say goodbye to most people before i left, but like, too late now i guess. (should clarify: its not a highschool really, theres only like, 3-6 students per class. the 'highschool' is a house, just for kids who ~cant function~ in normal-people school). i mean at least i have The Girl I Like The Most in my contacts, but honestly i dont think she'd let me go without her. i fucking HOPE she wouldnt at least.

this is kind of a jarring change but i keep thinking over the people i knew in my normal highschool before i moved to the one i left today. especially one of my friends who, honestly put bluntly, isnt alive anymore. the fucked up thing is the school doesnt send you a letter about it if youve left; youre in the same year as this girl, and you were friends with her, but if she dies a horrible self-inflicted death, then theyre like, suck my dick you dont get to hear about it, you mentally ill bitch! thats what you get for fucking up our attendance ratings and being too fucked up to stay in our school! god.
i feel like i should be more fucked up over it. one of my friends DIED, and not even one of my friends who i had any like, resentment towards (not that that'd make it any fucking better, just to clarify), someone who was actually just a good person who didnt do anything wrong like, ever. i remember once my best friend at the time and her invited me out and when i said i couldnt because my mother wouldnt let me she told me to sneak out, and i laughed REALLY hard at that, because like, my mother would NOT fucking let me come out of that alive, she'd KILL me. physically.
..i wish i missed her more. i found out through a friend at the school i left today and found out who it was through a news article, a fucking NEWS article. for a while i thought it was a different girl because they had similar names, and i didnt even recognise her name on the news article at first and thought i was grieving over someone i didnt know but, eventually realised who it was like, a couple hours or a day-ish later..
i dont know why i didnt recognise her name.

...anywaysss... i dont have much happy shit to talk about here, sorry. one thing i can think of is a while back me and my two friends went to this coffee place and had to sit with this woman and her granddaughter because, one of my friends impulsively said yes, so. its not like we can be like, "hey we changed our minds, bye" and her granddaughter kept jumping into my lap, it was really cute. i dont know why? like, im not a kids person and i dont consider myself someone who's good with kids (i cant even message my friends im so anxious), or would Attract Random Childrens' Attention, but like? i guess! it was fun so i dont mind.

im supposed to start painting my room with my mom on monday, so i have that to look forward to soon. my room's just been blank white walls and blank white/gray/black furniture forever. i cant stand it, it makes me feel like im going insane. i was hoping this would motivate me to message people back and i might? im not sure yet. we'll see.

i think im done with this for now. i'll just sign it off with the date/time. bye.


9:51pm; thursday june 13th, 2019


also im setting up a small playlist for each entry i put into this thing, because i love music.

today's entry playlist

new summer - young galaxy
failsafe - the new pornographers
valentine - io perry (go fucking figure)

thanks for reading.